The unclear path.....

Exploring the feelings around horse ownership has led me to some interesting discoveries. First and foremost, horses have always been a non negotiable in my life. This is not a bad thing. What I realized is that when something is non negotiable one does not think about it again, as its, well, non-negotiable. The reason for all my angst however is the fact that I never looked at the topic again and I believe that all topics must be explored on a regular basis to really grow and learn. This subject, as I thought, illicited so many wonderful emails. I had some great conversations with folks who have made changes that included no longer owning or riding horses. It’s a very personal journey. A very individual one. I thought I would share some of the things that really helped me get unstuck. My brilliant friend Gerri gave me an exercise to do. One she had recently completed with surprising results. I’ve dubbed it “the cleanse”. Its not your typical “ if I haven’t used it in a year, donate it” type of cleanse. Its much more about surrounding yourself with things that you have given a lot of thought to. I began in my house with the “things” that make up a life. I have always believed that things take energy to own, they are not passive in their existence in our lives. I realized that some of the things I have kept for many years where more the result of being fond of the person who gave the item to me and less to do with being fond of the item. What results is, an item that is literally overlooked. Something hidden in plain sight. Something existing in my space that was negatively taking up energy. I realize that this is a very lucky problem to have and I want to point out that I’m grateful to be so cursed. But I still needed to create space to think and thus to feel. If I didn’t love the thing, if it didn’t bring me peace and joy to behold, if it didn’t move me, it left my space. How could this possibly help me with my horse dilemma you ask? Well, it works all those muscles around true feelings. Its active which is important to someone like me who has trouble waiting for clarity to just come. Lori G wrote one simple sentence that tied in nicely to the above theme “ Get back to what you love.” yep, yep, yep. A wise man named John ( not the one named Lyons this time) shared that some of the horses in his life where like good friends whose company he enjoyed more than other horses.( and most people heehee) and that was OK, not every horse that comes through the door is your favorite. Angela pointed out that it may not be an all or nothing proposition, Tim listened with his heart and offered to be my riding buddy and Sweet Ruthie shared her own experience and in doing so showed me I wasn’t alone. *
Through all of this feedback I realized that the conversation I had been having with myself internally for several long years has been the practical VS the emotional. Apples to Oranges, concrete VS ethereal. Impossibly unproductive. There was no balance and therefore no resolution. So in a nod to the practical I devised a plan and to the emotional I said wait and really “see”. I feel the train moving forward again and for that I’m eternally grateful. Here’s to life’s journeys may they always be as surprising as they are humbling.

* to all of you not mentioned by name in this blog, you have all touched my soul many hugs and many kisses……