Friday, August 17, 2012
Lost. Not a happy word in my opinion. Its kind of lonely and hopeless. Even when used describing something positive like “lost in a good book” or “lost in thought” It still makes me cringe a little. Lost is exactly where I have been in my horsemanship for several years now. I cant explain it exactly. One is tempted to lump it under burn out but it went so much deeper than that and frankly scared the living be-jesus out of me. I questioned even having a horse. For those of you who know me best that’s like saying I’m considering taking a vow of silence. So improbable that you would laugh out loud …no really its ok, I know I yack A LOT….I prefer to think of myself as gregarious on steroids! In any case as I struggled to understand what had shifted and when. I realized that I had been doing the same thing with horses for almost 12 years. The exact same lessons taught, revisited and practiced for 12 years. Oh I dabbled here and there and honestly attended a few clinics that where mind blowing ( Ray Hunt, Charles Dekumfy come to mind) but then I would stall again. Caught up in the daily teaching of clients and new horses. Don’t get me wrong, I learned from each new horse something I did not know. I gained new insight from each clients questions. Even if they where the same as the last client, explaining the nuances for their particular horse was a constant source of information and understanding. I thank all of you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your horsemanship journey with me! I realized only recently that each of my clients had a horse or two they where deeply passionate about which made their journey all the more fun for me and emotionally challenging for them. Getting them in sync with their special critter was the best pay check I could ask for. I didn’t even realize I had nothing that momentous at home with my own critters. I like all my horses past and present, they have all taught me more about me than I have a right to know ,honestly. However passionate, inspirational, motivating, exciting?…..well, no…. until Cuervo, who inspired all those things and more. But there was a catch. The training I knew and trusted did not work the wonders on him it had on previous horses nor could I use it fully due to his physical limitations at the time. If I pushed through with the repetitions I felt he needed he didn’t stay sound, so the chiropractor would come out and put him right and I would hedge on how to convey to him the lessons I wanted us to share. I wasn’t ready to let go of what I knew. Funny , as I was in the same exact position when I went to John Lyons. But slowly after making statements like “ I don’t care if I ever ride Cuervo, its enough he makes me smile” and “I have Boo to ride when I have time…” I knew these where not quite honest. So I searched and talked( big surprise) and read and watched and tried really hard to ignite a spark that would get my horsemanship on track. Where did I want to be? What did I want to do?, How did I want to ride? What made it all click? Well, part of the problem was in the “trying“. I have always been a square peg in the round hole kind of person. That means push it hard enough and it will eventually , kinda, fit! The search did open up some wonderful friendships and coined me a new way to approach Cuervo that he prefers over the previous way. But I was forcing it and faking it and flogging myself for it. Why? Why? WHY? Its like that line in a song by Pink, she sings “ why do I do that ?”, then , in a speaking voice, as if to herself ,she asks exasperatedly “why do I do that?” Same thing going on here. I wasn’t sparking, heck not even smoldering and I was trying sooooo hard! Then an opportunity arose, that was ill timed for my current circumstances but I knew I needed to take it, even when I was doubting myself in the first weeks, thinking, Ive gone down this path before. And I have. This time though, something was different. That difference was passion. I like every horse that I get to touch, I LOVE my big Boo for the journey we have been on together for 15 years and will continue on for her lifetime. I LOVE my Cuervo who has lit a new way for me to see and continues to wait for me. And my sweet Lacey girl, who through her random trail rides has helped me decide what it is I really want in my partnerships with horses. I like them all, but Ive loved only a few. Love is a funny thing and as most of us have experienced , love it is exhilarating, exasperating, energizing. It sparks! Despite conventional thinking( overrated) friendly advise( much appreciated) and cosmic timing( learn to trust) I am proud to introduce to you Leonidis de Echo my new partner in crime. He is a three year old paso fino gelding whom I was smitten with two years ago at the paso fino show in Asheville. There is a spark now folks, and with proper care and feeding it will be a flame. I want to thank Lori West and Echo West Farm for reaching out to me with an offer I couldn’t refuse and for including me in some very theraputic saddle time on the gorgeous FETA trails that surround their home. I am more grateful than you can ever imagine.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Exploring the feelings around horse ownership has led me to some interesting discoveries. First and foremost, horses have always been a non negotiable in my life. This is not a bad thing. What I realized is that when something is non negotiable one does not think about it again, as its, well, non-negotiable. The reason for all my angst however is the fact that I never looked at the topic again and I believe that all topics must be explored on a regular basis to really grow and learn. This subject, as I thought, illicited so many wonderful emails. I had some great conversations with folks who have made changes that included no longer owning or riding horses. It’s a very personal journey. A very individual one. I thought I would share some of the things that really helped me get unstuck. My brilliant friend Gerri gave me an exercise to do. One she had recently completed with surprising results. I’ve dubbed it “the cleanse”. Its not your typical “ if I haven’t used it in a year, donate it” type of cleanse. Its much more about surrounding yourself with things that you have given a lot of thought to. I began in my house with the “things” that make up a life. I have always believed that things take energy to own, they are not passive in their existence in our lives. I realized that some of the things I have kept for many years where more the result of being fond of the person who gave the item to me and less to do with being fond of the item. What results is, an item that is literally overlooked. Something hidden in plain sight. Something existing in my space that was negatively taking up energy. I realize that this is a very lucky problem to have and I want to point out that I’m grateful to be so cursed. But I still needed to create space to think and thus to feel. If I didn’t love the thing, if it didn’t bring me peace and joy to behold, if it didn’t move me, it left my space. How could this possibly help me with my horse dilemma you ask? Well, it works all those muscles around true feelings. Its active which is important to someone like me who has trouble waiting for clarity to just come. Lori G wrote one simple sentence that tied in nicely to the above theme “ Get back to what you love.” yep, yep, yep. A wise man named John ( not the one named Lyons this time) shared that some of the horses in his life where like good friends whose company he enjoyed more than other horses.( and most people heehee) and that was OK, not every horse that comes through the door is your favorite. Angela pointed out that it may not be an all or nothing proposition, Tim listened with his heart and offered to be my riding buddy and Sweet Ruthie shared her own experience and in doing so showed me I wasn’t alone. *
Through all of this feedback I realized that the conversation I had been having with myself internally for several long years has been the practical VS the emotional. Apples to Oranges, concrete VS ethereal. Impossibly unproductive. There was no balance and therefore no resolution. So in a nod to the practical I devised a plan and to the emotional I said wait and really “see”. I feel the train moving forward again and for that I’m eternally grateful. Here’s to life’s journeys may they always be as surprising as they are humbling.
* to all of you not mentioned by name in this blog, you have all touched my soul many hugs and many kisses……
Thursday, February 9, 2012
I Love horses! Always have...In fact Ive had a horse in my life almost continuously since I was 10 years old. They are my favorite animal, I couldn't imagine life with out them....or could I? Could I look out a window and enjoy the view with out a horse pasture in front of it? Could I walk into my brand new barn and inhale with out the smells of hay and leather to greet me? Could I forgo the feel of warm, sweet horse hide under my hands on any given day? The prickle of questing horse lips on the patch of skin revealed in the search of treats from a pocket? I remember a time where this thought never entered my mind. Where I secretly was horrified that a mentor could retire and sell all of her horses, give away her dog and move to a condo in a warmer state. "NO!" I said to myself that will never be me. I expected life to change, but horses where the constant. I was going to be that 80 plus year old dame still racking up the trail miles every weekend. This was the goal, this was the given, this.......is changing. Now Ive been struggling, wrestling,denying, arguing,pleading,worrying about this shift in my whole existence for three long years. Which may not have been when I first felt it but was when I first, cautiously gave voice to it. If you are one of those friends I have explored this with then you know what a earth shattering experience this is for me. I say "is" because I have not got it all worked out yet. I'm a horsewoman, its in my DNA! All my friends I made through horses, all my life spent learning about horses, all my money spent on horses, where I live dictated by horses, life decisions based on horses! Hell, I don't even own any non horse clothing...
When I acknowledged this insidious doubt, this niggling question, I immediately went into discover mode. The big, ugly why of it all. And I received some good insights, some good reasons for this lunatic fringe I found myself treading. Everything from stress, to burnout, to moving ,to out of practice, to starting a new biz , new life, new job, new house, to not having a riding buddy, not having the right horse, a sound horse, the right trailer, the right tack...to its a phase.
And you know what, I'm sure all of this has something to do with it. But what made me feel a little less panicky was the fact that everyone I spoke to is, has or will be addressing this very issue. It seems to be an inevitable fact of life to all of us horseophiles. Some of us blow on through, some of us close the lid on the box and with relief, set it out for the recycle guy. Some of us like myself wallow in the middle feeling scared, confused and shaken. I believe there is an answer out there for me somewhere and I hope by sharing in my search I will magically come upon it for myself and maybe a few other struggling horse-aholics. At least that is my sincere hope. The Irony that all will be revealed in time is not lost on me as the lesson of patience has been what my equine friends where sent to teach.
Monday, February 6, 2012
So I follow this cool blog by Danielle LaPorte(http://www.daniellelaporte.com/the-burning-question-series/), she is the Goddess of crap cutting. Her recent challenge to the masses was to really define how we wanted our goals to feel....yep you read right, not how we wanted them to look, but to feel. For me this is very timely. I'm about to bare my soul to all who care to read it about a three year battle I have been fighting, one that I believe all horse women come up against and maybe some of the men too, its just I haven't had the input from them......yet! So lets begin at the beginning and define how our goals should feel.
I want my day to feel like a warm ocean current
I want kissing to feel like Oxygen overload
I want my next success to feel like a bubble bursting from a hot lava flow
I want my body to feel like a young horse testing his speed against his fellows
I want smiling to feel like blossoms on a honey suckle vine
I want my friendships to feel like cashmere sweaters, Swiss chocolate,and warm sand
I want my nervous system to feel like an indefinite savasana
I want my gigs to feel like, the traveling circuses of old, a bit of magic, a bit of mystery, and a bit of melancholy when you leave
I want my neighborhood to feel like the wizarding world of Harry Potter
I want my integrity to feel like syphoned, pea berry coffee
I want my word to feel like sun ripened chermoya
I want my laughter to feel like extra sweet sparkling wine
I want the end of the day to feel like a morning glory closing up for the night
I want being of service to feel like a table well set for an Amish barn raising supper
I want my philanthropy to feel like the Orinoco flow
I want my challenges to feel like soorya namaskar..sun salutation.
I want my love to feel like an albatross flight
I want my writing to feel like Dr Suess: whimsically taught life lessons, Cormac McCarthy: diarrhea of the pen and Diane Gaballdon: hopelessly swash and buckle, romantic
I want my ideas to feel like finding a widows mite on an Israeli beach
So what do you think? try it for yourself...its fun, and.....hard actually. But I think its a good way to begin, to define. When one is lost one needs to seek....let the games begin!