Thursday, February 9, 2012
What is Love?
I Love horses! Always have...In fact Ive had a horse in my life almost continuously since I was 10 years old. They are my favorite animal, I couldn't imagine life with out them....or could I? Could I look out a window and enjoy the view with out a horse pasture in front of it? Could I walk into my brand new barn and inhale with out the smells of hay and leather to greet me? Could I forgo the feel of warm, sweet horse hide under my hands on any given day? The prickle of questing horse lips on the patch of skin revealed in the search of treats from a pocket? I remember a time where this thought never entered my mind. Where I secretly was horrified that a mentor could retire and sell all of her horses, give away her dog and move to a condo in a warmer state. "NO!" I said to myself that will never be me. I expected life to change, but horses where the constant. I was going to be that 80 plus year old dame still racking up the trail miles every weekend. This was the goal, this was the given, this.......is changing. Now Ive been struggling, wrestling,denying, arguing,pleading,worrying about this shift in my whole existence for three long years. Which may not have been when I first felt it but was when I first, cautiously gave voice to it. If you are one of those friends I have explored this with then you know what a earth shattering experience this is for me. I say "is" because I have not got it all worked out yet. I'm a horsewoman, its in my DNA! All my friends I made through horses, all my life spent learning about horses, all my money spent on horses, where I live dictated by horses, life decisions based on horses! Hell, I don't even own any non horse clothing...
When I acknowledged this insidious doubt, this niggling question, I immediately went into discover mode. The big, ugly why of it all. And I received some good insights, some good reasons for this lunatic fringe I found myself treading. Everything from stress, to burnout, to moving ,to out of practice, to starting a new biz , new life, new job, new house, to not having a riding buddy, not having the right horse, a sound horse, the right trailer, the right tack...to its a phase.
And you know what, I'm sure all of this has something to do with it. But what made me feel a little less panicky was the fact that everyone I spoke to is, has or will be addressing this very issue. It seems to be an inevitable fact of life to all of us horseophiles. Some of us blow on through, some of us close the lid on the box and with relief, set it out for the recycle guy. Some of us like myself wallow in the middle feeling scared, confused and shaken. I believe there is an answer out there for me somewhere and I hope by sharing in my search I will magically come upon it for myself and maybe a few other struggling horse-aholics. At least that is my sincere hope. The Irony that all will be revealed in time is not lost on me as the lesson of patience has been what my equine friends where sent to teach.